二十二条“家规” -南桥的博客-财新网

家里有两个孩子，关系虽好，也常有争执。有段时间，两人之间总是在说：He/she made me do this...我就蓄意教育他们：Nobody can make you do anything. You can choose to do this and that. 现在我很少他们在用He/she made me...这样无效的话。当然，别的冲突又会冒出来。我们大人之间冲突更多，一样需要自我调整。子女教育和我们自我教育都是一辈子的事。怎样调整？我想起了过去在扶轮社（Rotary Club)看到的四原则：

“我们在所思、所言、所行时，请考虑：

第一、此事是否符合真相？

第二、对相关人员是否公平？

第三、是否促进善意和友情？

第四、是否对所有人有益？”

我们同事David今年是小城扶轮社主席，他说这四原则其实是对“己所不欲勿施于人”原则的分解。我又想，分解得越细，并能明确表述出来，就越对人有帮助。越笼统帮助越小。于是我根据我自己的理解，又写成了如下的价值观，并跟家人分享。也不知道能被接受多少，但起码让其他人知道我重视什么。我也可以借助下面的说法，自我改进。我顺便翻译过来，分享如下。不知其他家长是否认同？欢迎回复。

Remember that we are all sinners with flaws. We all have room to grow. Others aren’t perfect. Neither are we. Accept it.我们都缺陷多多，需要改进。他人并不完美，我们也一样。
Golden rule: Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself. Platinum rule: Treat others how they would like to be treated themselves. Others may have different wishes.记住：比“己所不欲，勿施于人”这“黄金定律”更重要的是“白金定律”：己之所欲，勿加于人，他人或许和你有不一样的追求。
Not everyone can change. You may want to leave them alone and accept them as they are. Work with their strengths.不是所有人都能改变过来。不要强求他人变化，而应该接受他们，从他们的优势出发来处理问题。
Know yourself. Develop the ability to describe your own strengths and weaknesses with great accuracy. Reflect upon yourself daily.认识你自己，能准确表述自身长短处，才能长进。人每天都要自我反省。
Don’t let your pride stop you from doing what’s right. Admit your mistake if needed. It actually makes things easier for everyone, including yourself.别让你的自尊阻挡你做正确的事，包括承认自己的错误。
If you truly believe that you are right, and others are wrong, you will have to justify it with reasoning and evidence, instead of using nothing but labels and libels.如果他人和你发生冲突，你真心觉得你有道理，对方不对，你得有能力通过道理和证据说服人，你不能通过打棍子、戴帽子的方式试图压制对方。
Some fights are not worth it. Fight only the good fights. If it isn’t a matter of principle, then forget it and move on.有的仗不值得一打，有的仗值得一打，把精力集中到后面。不是原则问题不要浪费精力。
Think of the battles others may be fighting, and try to be kind.多想想他人的难处，不要太强求。
Be imaginative. You need it to understand others.多点想象力。理解不是凭空而来，而需要想象他人的处境。
If your words don’t help, then you may not need to say them, even if they are true. 不能造就人的话，对也不要说。
Use your understanding of others to make them, not to break them.把你对他人的理解用来雕塑对方的长处，而不是用来攻击对方。
Try “our way”, instead of “my way”, “your way”, or “no way."在“不行”, “听我的”, “听你的”外，还有“我们一起”这种方式。
Respect others' privacy, peace or rest while you enjoy yourself. 玩时需尽兴，同时不忘对他人尽责，莫要侵犯他人的隐私，打扰他们的平安或休息。
Develop the ability to express what you value (including writing down your values on a piece of paper) and share it with people close to you. Do not assume your preferences are as well known to others as they are to you.如果你重视某个价值，将其表述出来（包括在一张纸上，把你重视的价值观写下来，并与你身边的人分享），将潜意识显出来有助于让其发挥作用。
Good habits are skills that require daily practice.好的习惯和技能一样需要练习才能获得。
Do not force others to do what you can't or won't do yourself. 自己做不到或是不想做的事，不要轻易要求别人。
If you let others do something you can’t or won’t do yourself, let them do it their way and show appreciation. Otherwise you provoke others and humiliate yourself as others may have been doing something that you should have the ability or willingness to do.自己不想或者不能做的事，他人去做，就让其放开手脚，用自己的方式去做，表达你的欣赏。不要在边上指手画脚，甚至挑刺。不然的话，你会激怒他人，而且给自己带来羞辱。
If you are always unhappy with someone’s work, do it yourself. Learn it if needed. 如果对别人做的事情不顺眼，就自己动手，自己也不会就学。不能迷信授权。
Keep an open mind. See perspectives before you jump to conclusions.保持开放心态。多看些视角，然后再下结论。
Do not work your way till you show signs of incompetence or total fatigue. Leave yourself some room to enjoy yourself.没有必要把事情非要做到自己不能胜任甚至疲惫不堪的地步，留几分余闲好去享受。
If others apologize to you, accept it and move on. Do not sweat about their sincerity. It may have taken a lot for them to take the step already. Apologize yourself if needed. 当别人跟你道歉的时候，你就接受，然后做自己该做的事，不要为了对方是否诚恳来纠缠。很多时候，对方跨出这一步已经很不容易。自己需要道歉的时候自己也要道歉。
If others compliment you, say thanks and move on. Don’t dwell on it till you become annoying.当别人恭维你的时候，说声谢谢，然后继续去做自己该做的事。不要继续追问最终让人厌烦。

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