今年早期，一位牧师朋友请我帮他看一下一份文件，说是给当地华人教会做的一个婚前辅导问卷，问我如何看待这些问题？我说中国人比较含蓄，没这么直接公开讨论财产、家务、自我形象、家庭背景的问题，一定是旁敲侧击，拐弯抹角地讲。这些问题我们也有，一样都不少，毕竟都是人，白人黑人黄人，人性的弱点大家都是差不多的。但是大部分时候，这些问题咱们不说。一般是吵架的时候才会翻出来。他说这是美国牧师或者咨询师常问的一些问题，没什么大不了。但我还是建议他不要用这个问卷。

今日看窦文涛的《锵锵三人行》节目里讨论婚姻问题(感谢Mikeshi提供的链接），说什么男女的般配，什么样的女子配什么样的男子，什么强势弱势，最后许子东总结说，其实钱之多少，名之大小，都无所谓，人生就几十年，最后的关键，还是细节。

正因为这些细节，婚姻变得十分麻烦。

可是这细节又是什么呢？

我这时候想到了老早看到的问卷来，于是又写信给讨了过来，原样贴在下面。

美国的婚姻我发觉是两极分化。离婚率很高，不好的就散了，好的会好得不得了，像《中国式离婚》里描述的这种过又过不好，离又离不了的“亚婚姻”的情形，我看倒是不多。我猜是不是跟这种透明、公开的表述有关？西方做科研的时候，总说要把一些概念细化（operationalize), 对于男女是否般配这种大而化之的话题，他们一样比中国更为细化，明确。为美国夫妇遇到问题，真像我们电影里说的那样，会说：

“我们需要谈一谈。”（We need to talk.)“我们需要理一理。”（Let's work these out.)

而谈的时候，也不外乎下头这些问题。就如同我们不善于表达爱一样（详见我以前写的这篇博客），我们也不擅于面对矛盾。

这个清单，让人从细节处入手，思考婚姻的方方面面。显然，这和中国人谈论婚姻似乎不是一个话语体系，也算不得什么药方，大家也可能和我当初一样，觉得什么都这么明摆着就没意思了。不过想想还是贴出来吧，如能做个参考也好。倘若不然，就当了解另外一种文化的侧面好了。

生活很麻烦，结婚有风险，人类需慎重。此文主要的目的是宣传文化差异，如果有人因此吓得不敢结婚，本人概不负责。

欢迎搜狐女人频道转载。

基本问题  我们为什么要结婚？

作为夫妻，我们要在生命中得到什么？

你觉得我们在三，四十年后将会做什么？

你喝酒的频率高吗?

你打过人吗?

你是否觉得忠诚于对方是非常重要的？为什么是／不是？

你有犯罪纪录吗?

你愿意去做更换卫生间厕纸这类事吗？

自我形象

 你如何描述自己?

你觉得我是怎样看你的?

我是易妒忌的人吗?

我对对方有信任问题或不安全感吗?

被人肯定对我有多重要？

我会对待别人的赞美吗?

什么是你的爱的语言?

你觉得我善于倾听吗？  你觉得了解一个人的生理和心理的健康历史是很重要的吗？

爱的语言

肯定的话语

比如说你赞美你的伴侣外表是多么迷人，或她的晚餐作得多么美味…这些话语都会帮助建立你爱人的自我形象或信心。 ? 共处的时间

某些伴侣喜欢通过一起共度时光，一起做事，或把彼此作为中心来表达爱意。如果你的伴侣是这种爱的语言，马上关闭电视，然后给她一心一意的关 注。

礼物

赠送礼物是人们的普遍文化，他们不必花费巨大去发送一个强烈的爱的信息。如果一个非常享受获赠礼物的伴侣在她的生日或重要纪念日中没收到礼 物，或她的伴侣从没赠送过礼物给她，她会感觉被忽视了或并不被爱。

侍奉的行为

发现你如何才能最好地为你的伴侣做些事情是需要时间和创造力的。这些侍奉的行为，诸如吸尘，喂鸟，种植花园等，需要开心地去做，以此作为爱的 礼物给对方。

身体的接触

有时候只需爱抚爱人的背，握住她的手，或在她的脸颊轻轻一吻就会满足这种需要。

家庭背景

你的童年是怎样的?

你的家庭是个充满亲情的家庭吗？

你觉得我们在回家度假时会和你的家庭产生问题吗?

什么价值是你从你的家庭当中可以带到我们的家庭中的？

对于你的家庭，什么是你喜欢／不喜欢的？

对于我的家庭，什么是你喜欢／不喜欢的？

对于你父母的婚姻，什么是你喜欢／不喜欢的？

对于我父母的婚姻，什么是你喜欢／不喜欢的？

家庭事务

你会清洁卫生间吗?

我们怎么来分配家庭事务?

你希望我们如何度过闲暇时光？

你想怎样来度过非工作日?

你觉得我们应该一起做?件事情吗？

我们可以各自追求自己的兴趣爱好吗?

你需要独处的时间吗?

如果我想时不时和朋友们过夜，你会感觉怎么样？

我们将怎么保证我们共处的时间呢？

钱财  我们可以讨论钱财问题吗?

赚钱了，你习惯把它存好还是花掉？

你想有个预算吗？

我们应该有个共同账户还是独立账户，还是两者都要？

谁将负责及时支付帐单？

你认为?年去看电影或度假是必要的还是奢侈的？

我们负债多少，什么是我们的资产？

我们的钱会流向何处？

我们的财务目标是什么？

你有任何未偿罚款或债务吗？

对于买房，我们未来有什么计划？

我们都知道重要的财务资料放在什么地方了吗？

性 我们以前发生过性关系吗？

如果有，我们是否悔过并原谅彼此了？

如果有，我们做过医学检测确保我们都没有感染性病，或艾滋病？

你怎么看这些问题？

孩子

你想有孩子吗？

我们要孩子吗？

结婚多久后我们准备要孩子？

你认为自己会是什么样的家长？

什么是你为人父母的哲学？

我们有孩子后，是否有一个人需要留在家中？

如果我们想推迟或避免要孩子，我们采取哪类保护措施？

你怎么看堕胎？

你有孩子了吗？ 

决定

我们如何一起做决定？

我们都愿意面对困境，或我们会尽?避免冲突吗？

你觉得我们的关系存在需要在结婚前处理好的问题吗？

我们可以处理好冲突吗?

我们有什么不同？

你觉得我们的不同之处在我们的婚姻中会引起问题吗？

你希望或要我改变吗？

我们都能彼此原谅吗？

原文：

Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

GENERAL QUESTIONS

Why are we getting married?

What do we as a couple want out of life?

What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?

How often do you drink?

Have you ever hit someone?

Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another? Why/why not?

Do you have a criminal record?

Are you willing to replace the toilet tissue roll?

SELF IMAGE

How would you describe yourself?

How do you think I see you?

Am I a jealous person?

Do I have trust issues or feel insecure?

How important is affirmation to me?

Do I handle compliments well?

What is your love language?

Do you think we listen to one another well?

Do you think it is important to know one another's physical and mental health histories?

LOVE LANGUAGE

Words of Affirmation

This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted.

These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.

Quality Time

Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

Gifts

It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

Acts of Service

Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

Physical Touch

Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need. 

FAMILY HISTORY

What was your childhood like?

Was your family an affectionate one?

Do you think we will have problems with your family during the holidays?

What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?

What do you like and dislike about your family?

What do you like and dislike about my family?

What do you like and dislike about your parents' marriage?

What do you like and dislike about my parents' marriage?

HOUSEHOLD CHORES

Will you clean the toilet?

How are we going to divide up the household chores?

What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?

How do you want to spend our days off?

Do you believe that we should be doing everything together?

Can we each pursue our own interests?

Do you need time alone?

How would you feel if I want a night out with my friends now and then?

How will we make sure we have quality time together?

MONEY

Can we talk about money?

Are you a saver or spender when it comes to money?

Do you want to have a budget?

we have a joint account or separate accounts or both?

Who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time?

Do you consider going to the movies and having a vacation every year a necessity or a luxury?

How much do we owe in debts and what are our assets?

Where does our money go?

What are our financial goals?

Do you have any outstanding fines or debts?

What are our future plans for purchasing a home?

Do we both know where our important financial documents are located?

SEX

Have we had sexual relationships before?

If yes, have we repented and are we forgiven?

If yes, have we had medical tests done to determine that we are free from sexual diseases such as AIDS?

How do you feel about these questions?

CHILDREN

Do you want to have a child?

Do we want to have a child?

How long should we be married before having children?

What kind of parent do you think you will be?

What is your parenting philosophy?

Will one of us stay home after we have children?

What type of birth control should we use if we want to postpone or prevent parenthood?

How do you feel about adoption?

Do you have any children already?

DECISIONS

How will we make decisions together?

Are we both willing to face into difficult areas or do we try to avoid conflict?

Do you think we have problems in our relationship that we need to deal with before our wedding?

Do we handle conflict well?

How are we different?

Do you think our differences will create problems in our marriage?

Do you expect or want me to change?

Can we both forgive?